Wake Up Dreamer,

i had to drive to sacramento today. i'm in a hotel room at the marriot eating crackers and torturing myself. tomorrow could potentially be a really bad day. i just need to keep my emotions together. i just wish it was over already. pray for me, friends. i love you.

I was roofied Tuesday night.

with the night on his skin, i trust him. i am dancing upon the palm of his heart. our breathing becomes suddenly mysterious. and this is where he finds me.

stayed in santa maria last night. he left for work while i slept. so now i feel as though i'm about to do the walk of shame past their gardener, who seems to be doing laps around the house at an incredible pace.

graduation was good. went to blacksheep with a bunch of friends and drank bloody marys until i was slurring my speech. and i've pretty much been drinking every morning since.

i'm not sure if anything is real anymore. got my ring finger sized at the jeweler's. going to sf next weekend. trying to buy a biodiesel bug off a family friend, i'll find out if he's going to cave soon. is anything real anymore, anyway?

well i'm off to fill up my thermos with v8 and vodka.

love,
pj

graduate in about a week. doing hair for the runway next wed at native for the second time. there is something truly addictive about watching something you create glide down a little red carpet. more is going on i guess, but it's messy and strange. i was proposed to. not sure where that's going at the moment. moving in with evan next month, two bedroom in slo if that goes as planned.

a date, i am terrified. i am terrified of getting myself into something i cannot finish, yet again.

i washed my sheets and made my bed. i felt his hand on my sternum, tracing the key. i woke beside someone unfamiliar, and guilt swallowed me. if love can't make a man, then what can?

bret and i decided to call it quits last sunday. i won't divulge into how many girls he's hooked up with in the week before and the week after. he is trash to me. my good friend had an abortion on friday. another good friends' dad died on thursday. it's been hard.

he is poison.

i have been the foolish one but you have been the fool. i was getting caught up in you yet again, but luckily i ran into one of the faces from your "naked pictures of girls i've fucked" photo album and remembered that you're a boy. a grown up, thirty year old, boy.

i awoke in a timeless coffin of darkness. the night swung around my neck like a locket, the metal against my skin was the violin of a chirping grasshopper. subtle, paced against the temperature. thousands of tiny glints swam above me, in my coffin's canopy. they looked intruding, somehow. moth holes in a black velvet sky. it smelled of freshly cut lawn.

light parted the darkness for a piece of time.

my ghosts had led me to my hell, my ghosts demanded full payment for my sins, and my ghosts sought justice.

could you make a flower grow
just to let me know?

I'd rather
heave half a brick than say
I love you, though I do
I’d rather
crawl in a hole than call you
darling, though you are
I’d rather
wrench off an arm than hug you though
it’s what I long to do
I’d rather
gather a posy of poison ivy than
ask if you love me

so if my
hair doesn’t stand on end it’s because
I never tease it
and if my heart isn’t in my mouth it’s because
it knows its place
and if I
don’t take a bite of your ear it’s because
gristle gripes my guts
and if you
miss the message better get new
glasses and read it twice

FIRST PERSON DEMONSTRATIVE by PHYLLIS GOTLIEB

i've always been the one to leave
you're always the one left behind
all the same, it's just a game
to me.


i guess you're right, it's just the fight i love.
and when i said i loved you i was just trying
to find all the things i've always been afraid of.

last wed clayton said that he felt sorry for me. that i'm not alive, and i have no appreciation for my life- atleast, not the appreciation he had for his own. he looked as though he was vanishing, at nineteen. clayton died yesterday.

i stay here with you; not because i want to play the victim, but because i love you. i've left so many times, you know by now- i will always come back, over and over. disappointment can be masked with flowers, so make me worry all night. crawl into our bed whenever you sober up enough to call a cab, and drunkenly wrap your hands around my throat. carry me into the shower and make love to me in the smoke, by the blacklight. like i said, because i love you.

the only time i feel completely alone, hopeless, and covered in a black blanket of anxiety is when i realize how many times you have "loved" and how many times i never have.

i don't want to be back to my old ways. i don't want to be up to my old tricks. i want things to be different this time. do you know it's different when you're more terrified than ever before, or more at ease?