Wake Up Dreamer,

loveisreal @ 2009-11-14T18:45:00

2009-11-15T02:45:54Z

My baby's been having nightmares.
Pale, pale memories.
They slide back and forth; like barsoap on the soap tray.
They make their way to the center where they lie,
very, very still.

And so I settle for hot water.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

loveisreal @ 2009-07-30T17:56:00

2009-07-31T01:00:15Z

i had to drive to sacramento today. i'm in a hotel room at the marriot eating crackers and torturing myself. tomorrow could potentially be a really bad day. i just need to keep my emotions together. i just wish it was over already. pray for me, friends. i love you.

loveisreal @ 2009-07-27T09:17:00

2009-07-27T16:19:35Z

I was roofied Tuesday night.

loveisreal @ 2009-07-17T11:10:00

2009-07-17T18:11:23Z

loveisreal @ 2009-07-14T01:04:00

2009-07-14T08:04:21Z

I find this week so entirely strange. I find myself so amused at all the people in my life I don't deserve. Evan took me shopping in Ventura last weekend. Why? I don't know. Guess he loves me, or something... Angela threw me a surprise party? It feels good, and it feels different, somehow.

I don't want to fall from such satisfying heights.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

the great discovery

2009-07-10T10:36:31Z

with the night on his skin, i trust him. i am dancing upon the palm of his heart. our breathing becomes suddenly mysterious. and this is where he finds me.

loveisreal @ 2009-07-06T12:05:00

2009-07-06T19:16:55Z

stayed in santa maria last night. he left for work while i slept. so now i feel as though i'm about to do the walk of shame past their gardener, who seems to be doing laps around the house at an incredible pace.

graduation was good. went to blacksheep with a bunch of friends and drank bloody marys until i was slurring my speech. and i've pretty much been drinking every morning since.

i'm not sure if anything is real anymore. got my ring finger sized at the jeweler's. going to sf next weekend. trying to buy a biodiesel bug off a family friend, i'll find out if he's going to cave soon. is anything real anymore, anyway?

well i'm off to fill up my thermos with v8 and vodka.

love,
pj

loveisreal @ 2009-06-20T18:09:00

2009-06-21T01:22:15Z

graduate in about a week. doing hair for the runway next wed at native for the second time. there is something truly addictive about watching something you create glide down a little red carpet. more is going on i guess, but it's messy and strange. i was proposed to. not sure where that's going at the moment. moving in with evan next month, two bedroom in slo if that goes as planned.

loveisreal @ 2009-05-24T12:04:00

2009-05-24T19:06:30Z

a date, i am terrified. i am terrified of getting myself into something i cannot finish, yet again.

loveisreal @ 2009-05-15T00:01:00

2009-05-15T08:04:11Z

i washed my sheets and made my bed. i felt his hand on my sternum, tracing the key. i woke beside someone unfamiliar, and guilt swallowed me. if love can't make a man, then what can?

loveisreal @ 2009-05-10T15:18:00

2009-05-10T23:20:02Z

bret and i decided to call it quits last sunday. i won't divulge into how many girls he's hooked up with in the week before and the week after. he is trash to me. my good friend had an abortion on friday. another good friends' dad died on thursday. it's been hard.

loveisreal @ 2009-05-05T21:59:00

2009-05-06T06:00:10Z

he is poison.

loveisreal @ 2009-04-23T23:30:00

2009-04-24T07:35:06Z

i have been the foolish one but you have been the fool. i was getting caught up in you yet again, but luckily i ran into one of the faces from your "naked pictures of girls i've fucked" photo album and remembered that you're a boy. a grown up, thirty year old, boy.

loveisreal @ 2009-04-14T23:34:00

2009-04-15T07:47:32Z

i awoke in a timeless coffin of darkness. the night swung around my neck like a locket, the metal against my skin was the violin of a chirping grasshopper. subtle, paced against the temperature. thousands of tiny glints swam above me, in my coffin's canopy. they looked intruding, somehow. moth holes in a black velvet sky. it smelled of freshly cut lawn.

light parted the darkness for a piece of time.

my ghosts had led me to my hell, my ghosts demanded full payment for my sins, and my ghosts sought justice.

loveisreal @ 2009-04-05T19:46:00

2009-04-06T03:48:28Z

could you make a flower grow
just to let me know?

loveisreal @ 2009-03-17T19:52:00

2009-03-18T03:53:15Z

I'd rather
heave half a brick than say
I love you, though I do
I’d rather
crawl in a hole than call you
darling, though you are
I’d rather
wrench off an arm than hug you though
it’s what I long to do
I’d rather
gather a posy of poison ivy than
ask if you love me

so if my
hair doesn’t stand on end it’s because
I never tease it
and if my heart isn’t in my mouth it’s because
it knows its place
and if I
don’t take a bite of your ear it’s because
gristle gripes my guts
and if you
miss the message better get new
glasses and read it twice

FIRST PERSON DEMONSTRATIVE by PHYLLIS GOTLIEB

loveisreal @ 2009-03-17T11:29:00

2009-03-17T18:29:44Z

i've always been the one to leave
you're always the one left behind
all the same, it's just a game
to me.

i guess you're right, it's just the fight i love.
and when i said i loved you i was just trying
to find all the things i've always been afraid of.

loveisreal @ 2009-03-17T10:23:00

2009-03-17T17:26:52Z

last wed clayton said that he felt sorry for me. that i'm not alive, and i have no appreciation for my life- atleast, not the appreciation he had for his own. he looked as though he was vanishing, at nineteen. clayton died yesterday.

quiet,

2009-03-14T07:51:48Z

i stay here with you; not because i want to play the victim, but because i love you. i've left so many times, you know by now- i will always come back, over and over. disappointment can be masked with flowers, so make me worry all night. crawl into our bed whenever you sober up enough to call a cab, and drunkenly wrap your hands around my throat. carry me into the shower and make love to me in the smoke, by the blacklight. like i said, because i love you.

loveisreal @ 2009-03-05T22:22:00

2009-03-06T06:44:18Z

the only time i feel completely alone, hopeless, and covered in a black blanket of anxiety is when i realize how many times you have "loved" and how many times i never have.

i don't want to be back to my old ways. i don't want to be up to my old tricks. i want things to be different this time. do you know it's different when you're more terrified than ever before, or more at ease?

loveisreal @ 2009-01-04T18:32:00

2009-01-05T03:23:11Z

i did a good job of keeping things quiet for a few months. i've been quietly seeing a man named bret since september. shocking, i know. i have five more months of school. still going to africa for a couple months this summer. moving with my mom to hawaii next october. not much else has changed. i spend a lot of time with my friend alyssa in cayucos. she's wonderful. i sleep at her house and listen to the ocean and smoke. and i can do this for hours.

i think i've felt so underestimated in the past that i've accidentally over planned for the future, but maybe not. maybe this is just how life is. and maybe the only person ever underestimating me was myself.

loveisreal @ 2005-12-01T15:51:00

2008-12-01T23:51:52Z

i know i cannot see you even if i wanted to.

because your light is the light of ten sunsets
circled by eyes burned blue and opened wide.

bloodflowers

2008-12-01T23:08:48Z

the world is neither fair nor unfair
the idea is just a way for us to understand
but the world is neither fair nor unfair
so one survives
the others die
and you always want a reason why

but the world is neither just nor unjust
it's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
no, the world is neither just nor unjust
and though going young
so much undone
is a tragedy for everyone

it doesn't speak a plan or any secret thing
no unseen sign or untold truth in anything...
but living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
you want everything
another world where the sun always shines
and the birds always sing
always sing...

the world is neither fair nor unfair
the idea is just a way for us to understand
no the world is neither fair nor unfair
so some survive
and others die
and you always want a reason why

but the world is neither just nor unjust
it's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
no, the world is neither just nor unjust
and though going young
so much undone
is a tragedy for everyone

it doesn't mean there has to be a way of things
no special sense that hidden hands are pulling strings
but living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough
and it never is
you always want so much more than this...

an endless sense of soul and an eternity of love
a sweet mother down below and a just father above
for living on in others, in memories and dreams
is not enough.
you want everything
another world
where the birds always sing
another world
where the sun always shines
another world
where nothing ever dies.

shame

2008-09-20T01:33:19Z

And everyone they have a heart
And when they break and fall apart
And need somebody's helping hand
I used to say just let 'em fall
It wouldnt bother me at all

I couldnt help them

now I can.

loveisreal @ 2008-07-12T00:26:00

2008-07-12T08:26:23Z

"it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not fara away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be--
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands."